Life With My Mistress

A little story as told through my cat... Alan

"Oh, you know what it's like, I'm feeling a bit housebound today, had a bit of a night on the town last night... thought I'd go out for a bit and ended up looking for worms with this local wolf cub I know. 'She' let me in at 5 in the morning but not after I had a yowling fit for half an hour. I'm a bit of loner really, quite happy with my own company, swiping at other cats on the block, staring out the window or having a lounge at the bottom of that Princess Julia's bed. I'm about 5 years old, in my prime so to speak, a pretty boy even if I do say so myself. I like things done my way, I like routine, a bit of a stretch and a sneaky claw on 'her' handbag. There's nothing I like more than a staring match with 'her', I always win, ha! 'That'll teach you', I think looking away pretending to look bored.  I'm quite a fussy eater and a big fan of gloopy food. 

I get up when 'she' gets up and make 'her' run down the stairs to feed me, with my bottom in the air and my extra long tail wagging furiously I give 'her' a look of hungry distain. Oh no, Why oh why is 'she' trying to pick me up, 'she' knows I hate it and I'm not very partial to a lap either, 'she knows that too. I prefer to sit by her side and every now and again put a paw up to get attention. That's me all over, I like a bit of a chin tickle and head pamper, that really brings the purring on and I feel all loved up. Talking about love, there's a favourite fake fur coat of 'hers' I absolutely adore, 'she' calls it Beryl, who ever heard of someone naming a coat! But when I see Beryl I come over all passionate and I have to start padding it. Oh no, 'she's' coming in for a cat kiss, she better not try and get that lippy on my pristine coat, I've just had a clean and I really don't appreciate all my cleaning activities going to waste. 

What the hell is 'she' doing now? 'God all those fumes', spraying her hair with that stuff can't be healthy, 'Pah! I'm going to have to leave the room now... Is it dinner time again? Must be, I'm ravenous!"

Printed in iD mag this month

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